In the midst of trying hard to expand your network of friends, it comes to a point where you are stuck inbetween different groups of people. You end up protraying different sides of yourself in each different group. The problem tend arises when you try to mix your groups together. You won't know how to react when the other person sees you in a different manner. Also, you would know how to `behave' in the right moment at the right person. Blurred??? Me too... Don't know what i am writing. But it's something like that. Maybe i should just adjust myself to to a more socially acceptable mode so i can blend well in all the groups. Got to kick all those bad habits. I used to motivate myself to do so, but it's hard. Self-motivation is tough, especially if you dun have a `reference' point to rely back on.
Sometimes i think i try to hard to hide things within me, to a point that i dun express myself very well. It makes me feel weird in front of people. Don't know what to say or do sometimes when situation arises. It's like there is this force pulling me back on things that i want to do. Sometimes because of this, people get the wrong impression of my intentions and misunderstood me. =( The thing is I never blame it on the `force', rather is me who allows the `force' overpower me... Many told me to get rid of this `force', but i just can't. Everytime i try overcome it myself, I always fails. Maybe it's something inside me trying hard to hold on to it, because it knows if i let it go, it will do more harm than good? I dunnoe. It's just hard to move on, when everything seems to stay put inside you.
Questions will lead to more questions, and eventually it will become never-ending. The more you think of it, the more complicated things becomes. Sometimes the solution is just so simple, and yet people like to turn things around, make big detours and never get straight to the point. I am guilty of that too. I think it's a way for us to `run away' from the real thing. Many of us can't take the truth most of the time, me too. We are all humans, we are emotional. Nobody want things to not go their way. But it seems to me no matter how we plan for things to turn out, it's never what we expected it to be. It's like the result is already predetermined, and no matter what we do, even we follow the plan point by point, if it's not happening, it's not happening at all.
It still makes me wonder, why a lot of things happen the way they happen... Why not another way... Like we can rewind our life a few times and choose the best ending to our own story... Haiz... How I wish i can do that... =( We make decisions everyday in life, and most of the time the results are not reversible. Sometimes when we are forced to make one, we end up taking the wrong turn most of the time. And one bad decision leads to another, end up we lose alot of opportunities, chances which sometime never appear again. It's just makes us feel frustrated... Sometimes i just wish i can just lie on bed and do nothing the whole day, coz if you dun do things, u dun make mistakes... =( What am i talking about???
So many things, so little time... "Mojave" 12:23 PM
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