In camp now, doing my part for the nation again. But my 'final showdown is not here but outside. Already 'sent my troops' to 'assault' the frontline, but I won't be there to face the 'counter-attack'. All I can do is wait till the end of the battle and look at my 'losses'. The wait is agonising. I keep asking myself, "am I going to win this 'war', or am I delaying my surrender?" For the past 6 years, I been sending my 'army'. My 'troops' gets bigger each time, but my 'defeat' gets more worse. Is it time to consider an alternate strategy?
Been doing a lot harmful stuffs to myself. And is getting a lot worse in times of 'great' stress. Self-perceived stress. I know I shouldn't be doing all this but guess I am lacking that self-control and motivation. Already lost my direction long time ago. I am like suffocating in a crowd of people, being pushed around but in actual fact I am just feeling the push while I myself am pushing through the people. I could have just stand there and wait for the crowd to disperse, but I panic. Most people would. I tried many times to calm down and think rationally, but end up I just feel more pressurised. I feel tired, fearful and panicky all at the same time. I really don't like the feeling, but it's been there since a long long time ago.
Surprisingly, I manage to 'break through' the first line of defense and enter the 'warzone'. Will be commencing my 'attack' again soon. But all factors seems to point to the fact that the chances of succeeding is very slim. And sadly, I also feel that way. =( That's like half the battle lost even before starting. That's a sucky feeling. But I think I am starting to feel numb about it... Wonder how much more before I self-destruct...
This month is pretty much broken for me... Living on the edge of the knife now. Waiting for my 'reinforcements' but they are still days away... It makes you wonder, what's the purpose of being in this world? We work hard, get paid, spend money, work hard again, get paid again, spend money again... And the cycle goes on and on. Occasionally you get those special events but in all, the 'cycle' remains relatively unchanged.
Imagine you are rushing to save someone's life, he/she is barely surviving, and you are the only one called to help. You packed everything you have and travel all the way from one end of the world to the other... But only to realize that you brought the wrong stuffs all along, and there was nothing you can do... Imagine that feeling... Sometimes we think we know everything, we plan, do trials and rehearsals for anything like say a performance or parade. No matter how much we practice or how we anticipate the things that will happen, something will just go wrong. We can never prevent that, no matter how we tried...
People tend to try hard to search for the truth in things, find answers to millions of questions. But being engrossed, in a certain way, make you lose touch with other things. When it comes down to the day when you realized you don't know who you are anymore, you wonder why were you trying so hard in the first place.
人最大的痛苦，
就是明明知道在眼前，
但這麼樣伸手也摸不着。
When you are used to being a certain role in life, is hard to move on into another role. You need a `push' factor, a stress stimulus to activate that evolution... The change may result in something better or worst, but the thing is, there is a CHANGE. Things don't remain stagnant at one point and become obsolete. So to change is not hard, is just an after effect of the stress stimulus. The difficult part is to find and accept that stress stimulus...
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